The phrase “comparison is the thief of joy” is familiar and often repeated, yet it is worth pausing to reflect on the substance of this claim.

Comparison is not the thief of joy, judgement is - or more specifically, critical self-judgement. Comparison as an action itself has no inherent quality. If I am eating soup with a knife and notice someone else is using a spoon, being more efficient than I am, I can decide to adopt this method instead. Without critical self-judgement, I can learn from this experience openly. If instead I had the thought that either they were being an idiot for using a spoon, and the knife was a far superior option, this would cast judgement on them. In turn, if I belittle myself and call myself so stupid for using the knife instead of the spoon, this would cast judgement on myself. The comparison itself is neutral; the judgement will undermine ourselves or others, lessening our happiness.

Comparison, when separated from criticism, is simply an act of assessment - and comparison without judgement becomes information. Is the spoon or the knife better to eat soup with? Am I doing this task at work well, or does Pete two desks down from me have an approach worth learning from? How does Jane stop her kids from misbehaving at the dinner table? These comparisons allow us to be curious and learn new methods and behaviours from others, without the need for judgement

The difficulty arises when that all too familiar inner voice attaches itself to the comparison and begins to cast judgement: "I can't believe I was using a knife to eat soup... everyone must think I am so stupid". This is what is happening underneath these thoughts:

1. We use this as evidence about ourselves, and make harsh assumptions that we are a "stupid" or an incompetent person
2. Shame emerges as part of this self imposed narrative, making it much harder to adopt the new behaviour for fear of embarrassment or facing the pain in overcoming this shame
3. Our self esteem takes a hit, lessening our confidence and we then use this as evidence the next time a similar situation emerges, continuing this pattern "Why can't I ever get things right?!"

In my clinical work, clients are rarely describing comparison itself when they say it harms them. More often, they are describing the effects of unexamined judgement that gets layered on top of comparison. if we are able to take a step back from the judgement and approach the comparison with a sense of curiosity, we are able to more clearly see if our current behaviour is serving us well, or if this new one presented to us might be even better for us..

Comparison is not only unavoidable; it is essential. Therapeutic practice itself relies on comparison-between interventions, outcomes, and theoretical models. Without it, development would stall. Humans would be confined to rigid, single-track ways of living, with little opportunity to adapt or learn from alternative perspectives.

Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to others and find yourself feeling down, ask yourself this: is it really the comparison, or the judgement that is the thief of joy?